CCGs

Ok, I am gross? This is what I made last night. To be fair, boyf had the idea because he is just as much of a disgusting pig as I am, but I did all the work...

Kardashian Backlash

I love those Kardashians, I love them so much. I love their wit, wisdom, bold fashion choices, and extraordinarily savvy business sense. Sometimes, when it's hot and humid out, I'll send my boyfriend a text that's like "ugh! It's so gross out! I bet kim's hair is pretty and shiny even when it's this hot and humid. I hate her." But what I really mean is that I love her. I love that she sounds like a stuffy nosed cartoon goat. I love that her ass is what my ass would look like if I was wearing two fake asses on top of my real ass. I love the way that she can go to sleep with full makeup on (with false eyelashes! Who wears false eyelashes?) and her pores are still perfect. I know she's only pretending to go to sleep but I DON'T CARE, I'll believe what I want. Remember when she lost her $75,000 diamond earring in the unearthly blue sea in Bora Bora and cried about how hard she works? That was amazing.

Does it sound like I'm being sarcastic? I'm not. And honestly, Kim's not even my favorite Kardashian! Khloe is! Well also sometimes Kourtney. And also sometimes Scott Disick Kardashian.

But while I was watching Act I of Kim's Fairytale Wedding last night for two goddamn hours, I got kind of mad at her- at them. At the whole Kardashian machine. It was when Kim and Kris Mom and Kris Groom were registering for wedding gifts, and cooing over Hermes table settings with a little Hermes H monogrammed in the center of each plate.

(Maybe it's naïve, but I had no idea that Hermes even makes dining sets? Also which would be more expensive: an Hermes dining set or a Louis Vuitton dining set? How much do you think one plate costs? Is $1,000 a reasonable estimate for, say, an Hermes dinner plate?)

And I was just like JESUS, really? Do these people really need a REGISTRY? I won't even go into my overall disdain for registries and the silliness of my adult peers asking to be gifted crystal and silverware (is this the 1800s? Are you an Astor?), but if anyone on the entire planet could stand to forgo a wedding registry, it's Kim Kardashian. Maybe instead ask each of your 500 guests to donate money to starving African orphans or whatever?

It goes without saying that I still love them and I always will. I know it's their whole "thing" to be so opulent and over the top, but just as when the Obama's bought a Portuguese Water Hound instead of adopting a pound puppy, the Kardashians really missed a valuable humanitarian PR opportunity here.

Sigh City

You guys, remember when I blogged? Awwwww.

I've been traveling so much and between trying to manage my new job AND maintain a non-stop facebook presence, I just have no time for other internetting! Except for checking my bank account balance 50 times a day and pretending that I'm going to truly stick to my ridiculously restrictive budget.

Anyway, here's a picture of my beautiful kitty having fallen asleep on the shelf because she is so retarded she can't remember what she's doing from one second to the next.

Snack! Canned Cheese Edition

Wow - this canned cheese was a surprise. It came in a little box, you know, like normal cheese sometimes does. But normal cheese doesn't often show up in a box and then a can. (And then a foil wrapper! Jesus, what are we protecting it from? It's just cheese, not biohazardous blood samples or whatever.)

So it turned out to be a normal tasting, lovely, soft brie that we enjoyed with our clashing dairy free Asian dinner. Eating cheese and then taking a bite of soy flavored salmon was weird, but I got over it. I can really overcome any obstacle for cheese, the greatest love of my life.

OH HI FACEBOOK DREAM COME TRUE...

Kitty Jean Jacket

I made cutoffs this weekend, since my old ones mysteriously disappeared last summer. It's too hottttttttt for jeans and most of my dresses are indecent for biking on my new fancy bike.

Overriding my hoarder instincts I almost threw away the cut off legs of my jeans, but then... inspiration struck!

You like the cowl neck collar? So stylish!

This is pretty cute, right? I should use the other leg to make her little matching pants for a hillbilly tuxedo.

The dog is totes jealous of her fashion.
"UGH! I could never get away with that! How do you stay so slim?"

Summer Hair Disaster Time

I've been complaining about my hair woes for at least the last 27 years or so, which is kind of a long time or whatever. It's bad all year round, but particularly in the summer when it just shrinks into tiny Afro curls with a light halo of fuzz all over the top. Yum.

My hair has looked nice a total of 4 times in my life. Here you go:

I buy these anti-frizz products allllll the time. All the time. I spend like $30 a month on new, ineffective hair products. Really! I don't know how or why I keep falling for it when it's never, ever worked. This is my current product regimen in order of application:

Line-up does not include the stupid $15 Frizz-Ease Nighttime Repair Serum, that DOESN'T WORK.

Here's what my hair looks like before I leave the house:

I look moderately human, no? Please ignore my bra - how awkward of me!

Here's what my hair looks like when I get to work:

UGH.

When I heard about that Brazilian Hair Straightening treatment thingy, I was like HOLY SH*T, MY PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED AT LAST! I fantasized about going to the beach and not looking like a sea monster when I came out of the water, and oh, maybe having bangs or whatever. I was even able to overlook my suspicions that this stuff was made out of poison. (It was later revealed to contain formaldehyde!) It's $400, btw and only lasts like 6 weeks.

What the hell, you guys? Should I do it this summer? Could this be the summer that I am totally broke beyond all belief, yet with lovely, professional hair? Because we all know, the first step in a beauty makeover (based on every movie ever) is pretty, straight, shiny hair...